#008 Shouldaholics Anonymous, Split Authenticity + Doing Nothing Meticulously
Hey, friends. Welcome to The Now newsletter.
At breakfast this morning, I shared this week’s ‘mind-expanding idea’ with my partner and we went deep.
It led us down all sorts of alleyways, which led to doors, only to reveal more alleyways.
I love it when simple ideas kindle such expansive conversations.
In this newsletter format, I can’t (and I don’t want to) cover any topic in-depth.
Ideally, I want to start the snowball rolling down the mountain.
Or light a match and see if it illuminates something worth exploring.
Or, as it was this morning, spark a conversation at the breakfast table that leads to somewhere new.
It’s always a privilege to share these nuggets of ideas with you.
Thanks for being here.
— Jonathan
💡 One mind-expanding idea: Shouldaholics Anonymous
Hey, everyone. I’m Jonathan and I’m a shouldaholic.
If you’re reading this newsletter, chances are you are, too.
If you’re anything like me, The 4-Hour Workweek was your gateway drug.
Now you’re hooked on the Huberman Lab podcast, have a morning routine that’s longer than your grocery list, and a backlog of things you think you should be doing, but haven’t figured out how to squeeze in… yet.
I’m exaggerating, of course. But in our self-improvement age, it’s easy to be a shouldaholic.
We’re bombarded with things we should be doing to live an optimal life.
I should wake-up at 5am. I should avoid looking at my phone for the first two hours of the day. I should get morning sunlight. I should drink water (with salt and a splash of lemon juice). I should journal, meditate, do breathwork, yoga, lift weights. I should take a cold shower. I should walk 10,000 steps.
I’m barely scratching the surface here and we’ve already clocked up 11 “shoulds”.
The thing is, most of these shoulds are positive, healthy habits that may improve your life.
So let me be clear: Shoulds aren’t bad. In fact, researchers say our “should-self” argues for our long-term interests.
But living in a constant state of should has its risks.
Like any addiction, shoulds can take over your life.
Every spare moment can be consumed by thoughts of what you “should” be doing, or feeling guilty about the shoulds you’re not doing.
When you’re hooked on shoulds, you’re less connected to what you actually want or need.
There’s less space for desire and spontaneity. For rest and play. For spaciousness and flow. For listening to the wisdom of your body.
Life becomes a series of obligations to be fulfilled.
Now, if you’re a shouldaholic like me, by this point you’re probably wondering…
What should you do about this? (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself).
I couldn’t sit here with a straight face and write about what you should do to stop being a shouldaholic.
This is just a simple reminder that shoulds exist.
They’re powerful. They’re valuable. They’re necessary.
But they can also be manipulative little weasels that drain you of vital energy, perpetuate the story that you’re never enough, and keep you from being here, in the present moment.
There are an infinite number of shoulds out there.
You, a mere human, has a finite amount of time, energy and nervous system capacity.
You can’t carry all those shoulds with you.
If you can find it within you to lay some of them down and carve out space for stillness, okayness and possibility…
You never know…
You might just find what you want.
🔗 One curiosity-igniting link: Split Authenticity
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to live authentically.
And just when I thought I was starting to figure it out, Michael Ashcroft publishes this essay, which flips the conventional understanding of authenticity on its head.
He takes the famous Walt Whitman line – “I contain multitudes” – and presents a theory that he calls “multiple authentic selves”.
I highly recommend giving it a read.
Read the Essay
🔥 One life-altering practice: Doing Nothing Meticulously
If you identified with the idea of a “shouldaholic” above, this “doing nothing” practice, from John Wineland, may provide the spaciousness to allow what you truly want and need to come through.
By taking time to sit, listen, allow, and simply be, you can turn down the volume of thoughts, expectations and pressures and feel into your deeper callings and desires.
In the video, John is speaking to a group of men and refers to this as a “masculine” practice. All he means by this is it’s a practice for relaxing back into groundedness as opposed to being pushed and pulled in different directions.
How to “Do Nothing Meticulously”
- Sit on a comfortable couch, or a comfortable spot outside, for an hour. And do nothing, meticulously. Sit up. Be alert. No phone. No meditating. No breathing exercises. You can have a notepad to log any ideas that come to you.
- Let your body be in the moment. Let everything happening—all of your thoughts, feelings, etc. cycle through.
- This is a practice to be with “now” in the most relaxed physical and energetic way you can. Just do nothing. And see what comes up from there. It’s hard. But worth it.
- Can you feel the part of you that is dissatisfied with what’s true now? Eg. Are you consumed with the things you should be doing?
- Inevitably, things will come up when you’re doing nothing – ideas, insights, tasks, desires. Write them down in your notepad and return to the practice.
- Attend to the things that come through while you’re doing nothing, when you’re done doing nothing. That’s your new “To Do” list.
- Trust the things that come through while you’re in that completely receptive, open space.
This is a great way to override your shoulds and come up with a more embodied and true “To Do” list for your life.
That’s it for this edition. I hope you see your shoulds for what they are this week and choose to only carry the ones that serve you.
It’s definitely one of those “once you see it, you can’t unsee it” kinda things.
Thanks for reading,
— Jonathan